Starting the healing process yet again

This is the post excerpt.


Healing In The Desert  7/11/2012


I had left an outlying suburb of Los Angeles  in midwinter. Brokenhearted, broken in mind and spirit, loveless, jobless, homeless; I had no idea where I was going or what I was doing. I just wanted to escape the hell I was in. I packed up some clothes, the dogs and what little money I had, and hit the road. Driving aimlessly for the next two days, I slept in truck stops, but managed to feed and walk the dogs at regular intervals. I had to pick a direction and quit driving in circles. To the west were the crowded cities, suburbs, and beaches. Something in me was telling me to go east to the desert.

I wanted to see the sun, feel the wind, be in the quiet so I could begin to hear the still small voice in me.

As the cities got smaller and further apart, I began to be more attentive to my surroundings. I saw small gatherings of homes. I saw dinosaurs! I saw white windmills turning  where I had once seen falcons soaring. I saw a green and lively city seeming to jump up out of the middle of sand, then give way again to the open space.

As I drove, it seemed the further I could see, the easier it became to think, to feel; to feel the tension leave my body, to think of possibilities, dreams long forgotten. To see other ways of being. To see hope when I thought none had existed.

When I saw the sea in the middle of the desert, I wanted to stand on the shore. I stopped to rest and watch the birds; and watch the dogs watch the birds. Just walking and exploring the shoreline without expectation. This was something I had not allowed myself for many years; I had been, instead, smothered in the ‘have-to’s of others demands and expectations and forsaken the freedom that I actually did own, while arguing for some mythical illusion of freedom.

I wandered along the shore of the desert sea for another two days, stopping where and when I wanted. Ate when I felt hunger. Slept when I felt tired. Stopped to look at anything and everything that looked interesting. Abandoned buildings and tiny towns. Campgrounds and boat launches. Submerged telephone poles and docks far from water.

When I finally arrived at the slabs, it was full dark. I had just been thinking to park the night and wander on the next day. As I pulled into a church parking lot, I was surprised to see people around, as it was a weekday night. I asked a couple who were there if anyone would mind my parking there for the night.

They told me they would show me to a nice quiet spot near them, if I would just wait a bit. A van pulled in a couple minutes later to deliver medication to them, then we were off down a well worn road. I could see by moonlight RVs  and trailers scattered around everywhere. After a couple of minutes cruising slowly down this road, they turned left at an intersection, and waved for me to pull alongside another RV that they said was their home. They introduced themselves, and bade me goodnight.

When I woke in the morning, I saw an amazing little town with no houses! People were walking, with and without dogs. I could smell coffee and good smells cooking, and heard people talking with their neighbors. As I walked out, I could see water tanks with artwork painted on the sides. I saw metal sculptures. I found a stage with signs proclaiming “Music here tonight”. I found a bulletin board with community events posted, and a kiosk with announcements and advertisements. I found an unattended library, take what you want, leave what you have. There was business being conducted, and people just socializing, or reading  in the shade. There were social clubs where you could meet up with others to play cards, dominoes, or share a communal meal. People were young, old, middle-aged, couples, singles, with an occasional family here and there.

Everyone seemed friendly and happy. Nobody much cared what you did as long as you bothered nobody else. People were willing to give information and help out, and that made me more willing to help out also. Such little things, yet they helped me to change from feeling invisible, to feeling like a  human.

This place of no expectations and multiple possibilities also gave me time to consider. And plan. And to begin healing.

Sitting in a folding chair watching the sunset paint fantastic colors on the sky that are reflected back by a salty sea, or submerging in a warm spring, floating in the effervescence, hearing the water rush in while considering the dizzying array of stars overhead on a moonless night; they are priceless luxuries that don’t cost a cent.

And the best therapy I’ve ever had.



Relationship Advice? Consider The Source.

Years ago, when I was tied in knots, trying to suss out just where my marriage went wrong, and what to do about it, I found numerous books on relation and marriage advice.

These were written by educated people, well known for being knowledgeable in their field of expertise. Often these books had blurbs on the covers with testimonials of very satisfied people who had at one time been despairing of the state of their relationship, but were now very happy with their once difficult mate.

Or the platitudes of their colleagues on what ground breaking work they had accomplished in this study of human psychology and particularly the study of relations and clear communications.

Not a bit of it helped.

This particular field of advice is still lacking, even on the internet. The assumption is made that you are dealing with a person who has the same view of how this relationship thing is supposed to work, and has the same goals for the relationship, as the asker and the advisor would hold.

The advantage of the internet is that we now habitually ask the same questions, in many different ways of our search engines, who will query millions of websites and return many different answers.

First you search abuse. Then you search false accusations. Or Lying. Or constant cheating. Or where did he go? Or why did he change? Or why does she hate me?

As you sift and consider answers, while your search engine refines the search, answers become more focused and you recognize more strange behaviors being presented that you didn’t even ask about, but is exactly your experience.

You click on the link and read more.

Have you come to the site of a renown psychologist? Is it the God and Family websites that practice faith as the answer? Is it the touchy feely, feel good, success in all things  guru?

No it is not. But there is an explanation. And a name for this person you thought you knew. You do not. You are about to get some lessons.

And you had better listen to this authors advice.

And if you only choose to heed one piece of that advice, for your sake it had better be this one.

Get Out, Stay Out

(Thoughts on reading No Good Advice by H G Tudor)




Shiny New Appliance

This is my shiny new appliance. I really like my new appliance. I had to do some shopping to get the model I want, but this one comes with all the functions I need, plus many additional features which make it fun, exciting, and convenient.

Right now, my wonderful shiny new appliance is in the sleep mode of it’s timer, and I gaze at it with pride as I listen to the tiny clicks and soft whirs as it resets to be ready for my use.

I will polish and maintain my appliance. I will show it with pride, especially as no one else has got quite as nice an appliance as I have. I shall ensure that it does not get scratched, dented, or marred, and woe to anyone who would damage my wonderful, shiny new appliance.

I have programmed many of my appliance’s functions to respond to my commands, and I have deleted some of these functions, as I have no use for them.

I am very happy with my new appliance. In the morning, I will say the magic words that will set my appliance to warm. When I return in the evening, my appliance warms me to the temperature I set. I like this function most at this time, and may leave it set on warm for hours, days, maybe weeks.

Occasionally, I become curious about other functions; hot, cold, spin, wring, and cry. These functions require a bit more work as I must go to the appliance and push the buttons to activate these functions. But I do momentarily press these buttons, to see how these functions work. Since I don’t immediately need these functions, I will push the reset button, and then the magic words to resume the warm function.

Lately, the appliance at work has been performing the warm function quite well, so when I return home. out of boredom, I will begin to use these other functions. I will try spin, even though there is nothing to spin. I will now set it to constantly cycle between hot and cold, even though my appliance was not actually meant to function is this way. Now I will set it to wring, even though it is now unbalanced. Now I will press cry, as I need some entertainment.

There is a button marked supernova, but as this function takes a great deal out of my appliance, I will save that till my appliance is near the end of warranty, so that the manufacturer will repair it at their expense.

Then I will keep it as back up to the new, better shiny appliance that I have been shopping for.
You think that is wasteful?
It’s only an appliance. There are so many more where that one came from.

Good morning sweetheart, I just had the strangest dream!

also submitted at:



Hymn to the narcissist

Songwriter Leonard Cohen

Performed by Pentatonix


I’d heard there was a secret chord
That David played and it pleased the Lord
But you don’t really care for music, do you?
Well, it goes like this
The fourth, the fifth, the minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Well, your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew ya
She tied you to the kitchen chair
She broke your throne and she cut your hair
And from your lips, she drew the Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Well baby, I’ve been here before
I’ve seen this room and I’ve walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew ya
And I’ve seen your flag on the marble arch
And love is not a victory march
It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Well, maybe there’s a God above
But all I’ve ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya
And it’s not a cry that you hear at night
It’s not somebody who’s seen the light
It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Another odd conversation

Had a man call me trying to sell home remodeling. I commented, “you know I don’t own any property, don’t you” This man started out calling me a liar, that I owned at least 2 properties. I did not react to being called a liar, instead I got excited! I said “I do? how did you find them, I need that property!” He told me god told him! What a let down! I said Oh, bummer. Well, not a reliable source of information. He continued to berate me,Oh, you don’t believe? You are an atheist? I said well, yeah. Why would god tell you I have property when I need financial help? You just told me I had property, but I have not been able to find it, my husband told  me I had money but he was able to give it all away before he died, while hiding that fact from me. I gave him a low down on my property searches, he said well, i can not think of any other places to look either.

The conversation took a different turn at that juncture. Eventually he was asking about me, told me about himself, then asked me to send him a pic! Asked was I hot! I said for my age I am, but I am a bit paranoid, and therefore I would not be sending pics to anyone at this point in time.

We wished each other well at that point and signed off.

I hope he learned something about presuming that people are just liars when they rebuff his sales calls.

And I hope that I will not be continuously testing every conversation for narcspeak.

Although maybe I should.




Have you ever dealt with people that say one thing and then seem to do another?

If you are dealing with a Narcissist, here is an article by H.G. Tudor on narcsite.com:


You know you’ve always wondered what the deal was. It’s because they say something you know to mean a certain thing. But that is not at all what they mean when they say it!

This is entertaining along with being educational. Unless these things are currently being said to you by a narcissist, then this article will likely be heartbreaking.

This needs an app, but for now there is the book,  Decipher: What The Narcissist Really Means

Of course it’s next up on the reading list

OK, its a lazy day and this is a to do thing.

If you have read it, feel free to comment.

Feel free to comment if you want to comment.

Not one of my better days

I thought I had a good idea on how to start this day. I had planned to write 2 short apology notes to Honey and her child, Somehow I just couldn’t keep it short and apologize for my reaction. I just kept trying to add TMI. I’m sure they do not care what caused my reaction to the child’s phone call. And Honey hadn’t bothered me at all, yet I had showed up at her home to leave her a note telling her and her family to leave ME alone! Yep, hysterical much? It’s been 10 weeks since I had learned of the child’s existence. I thought I had recovered enough from the shock to do this coolly and rationally, but my body is telling me otherwise. I feel as though I have extreme grief and panic trapped in my body. my heart feels literally stabbed, and it is so hard to sit down and sit still. I feel trapped/caged. I’m guessing this is the PTSD . I had felt like this many times while he lived, but immediately after his death I had been able to sleep through the night without waking in panic. One session of physical therapy 2 days after, and I was able to regain full mobility in my hands, back, and shoulder, and all pain was gone. I still haven’t needed medication for pain since then, so these sensations returning were quite frighting. Even trying to distract myself with education about narcissism, which usually appeals to my logic and quiets my heart, did not accomplish what I had hoped, and seemed to aggravate the episode.

The morning progressed to uncontrollable tears.

So, no notes today, or anytime soon. My ruthless friend maybe correct on this one. She told me it’s not necessary, and would probably be unwelcome. I just can’t get past the idea, that if I do something hurtful, it is required that I apologize. Hell, I’ve been know to apologize for things I didn’t even do!

Maybe I’m still trying to prove to myself that I’m not him, that he did not change my core being. I don’t know. I am so very sad, but for whom? I’m free, so I don’t need to throw myself a pity party, but sad is still here. Not healed as much as I thought.

So, for a different distraction, I took care of some business, made a mistake, fixed the mistake, and made the customer happy. Back to real life where there are real solutions!

Then off to feed an old addiction.

I went to the American Opal Society show. Gorgeous stones everywhere, from rough to set. There were other gems and minerals for sale, but my intention was to check out the opals. Australia is still the Queen of opal, but there were eye catching stones available from Ethiopia, and Mexico as well. Somehow, Virgin Valley seemed to be missing from the mix, but that could just be an oversight on my part, blinded by all the pretty stones. I picked three pieces of well colored and cut (free hand cabochon) boulder opal; a 5 ct oval piece with the entire face blue flash with a green roll; a 15 ct teardrop piece with a matrix face and densely packed, but distinct points of red and green distributed evenly over the entire face; and a 18.8 ct rectangle of matrix, the markings suggest an envelope, while a single bar of green color flash outlines the flap.

My best find though, was a 3.7 ct white opal heart, entirely saturated with a brilliant red flash, which when tilted also shows green roll, and gold center with a small tease of blue.

……..and I’ve already got the setting planned for it.

Letter to the Narcissist

The morning after I returned from camping, I checked in on my Educational favorite site.

My letter has been posted!


Interesting how more information keeps changing things. What I thought I knew (which was very little, compared to what others knew) was often wrong and he wanted it that way.

I had been told that Honey was to blame as the instigator of a truly horrific incident in my life. That she had seduced and beguiled him into taking this action.

Just recently my sister-in-law mentioned a specific incident which happened when they were children. W wasn’t with them at the home yet, when this incident happened, but he was told of the incident, at least once, this incident which made the formerly abandoned child, into the golden savior child.

I assume when he did this to me, it was to prevent, in his mind, a usurper from taking his rightful throne.

What a horrible thing to tell a child.

What a horrible thing to do to the person who loves you most.

What a horrible thing to know that he stole the gift of life from you.

And made you pay to give that gift to someone else.