Over the past month, things have improved for me. But for about 10 days at the end of February and beginning of March, things went downhill. First there were frequent anonymous calls where the caller just sat and listened to me say “Hello? Hello?”. You could hear them breathing, but no interaction, then they would hang up. I was getting annoyed by this, and decided to let ALL unidentified calls go unanswered. My brain was obsessive with “who was it? What do they want from me? Why do they keep calling back?”
My N had previously had prank calls done to me, and I’m sure his many women were calling to try to reaach him, but getting me. He always tried to make me feel that I either imagined the calls, or that they meant nothing and I maybe needed some medical intervention.
The next, and biggest whack to my sanity, was the incident mentioned in “Triggered Again, Damital!”
I became unable to relieve myself of the paranoia, fear, bad memories, and feelings of doom. cPTSD. My steps I had taken to try to help myself where not working, and I couldn’t do this by myself.
From educating myself about different treatments for depression, and PTSD, I had come upon articles, and then websites for Ketamine Infusion Therapy. I thought it interesting, but was sure I would never need something like this.
So I made the decision Sunday Night. I did not know how long it would take to get an appointment for treatment. I called first thing Monday morning, and the doctor returned my call right away. He discussed with me whether the treatment would be effective, what to expect, and asked me to bring my most troubling problems to deal, as I would be concentrating on this point(s) specifically. When I arrived Tuesday Afternoon, Dr M went over what to expect, asked me what I really needed to work on, and explained the safety protocol. When I asked him how many times he’d had to use it, he said he had not had to use it, but kept it on hand, anyway. “It is reassuring for those who are fearful, and makes them more relaxed and willing, to know that I can stop this for them at anytime, but once they experience it, they have not needed it, and they have felt comfortable enough to schedule more sessions.”
I decided my biggest problem was that I need to be “Calm”. Dr M inserted the IV into my hand, which was painless for me. A soft small IV catheter is used, rather than a needle.
Dr M asked me to try my best to relax while the medication started working. So I did my very slow, very deep breathing to stay relaxed. Oddly, I continued to breathe this way through the whole first session, and found it felt very wonderful. The doctor did wonder about it, but didn’t break my concentration, as I may have planned to do this, and I was in no distress. This was something completely different from anything i had ever experienced. There is a great sense of wonder at what you are seeing about yourself and thinking about your life and situation. You are able to detach from your feelings, but it is not a cold process. It is Euphoric, but the mood lift stays with you, there is no crash. I would best describe the experience as self directed mega hypnosis, where your conscious mind and your subconscious mind, sit down together and come up with a win/win/win/ plan for them and you.
When I left that first session, I was not only calm, I was safe, free, and real.