So how am I doing in healing and protecting myself?

Over the past month, things have improved for me. But for about 10 days at the end of February and beginning of March, things went downhill. First there were frequent anonymous calls where the caller just sat and listened to me say “Hello? Hello?”. You could hear them breathing, but no interaction, then they would hang up. I was getting annoyed by this, and decided to let ALL unidentified calls go unanswered. My brain was obsessive with “who was it? What do they want from me? Why do they keep calling back?”

My N had previously had prank calls done to me, and I’m sure his many women were calling to try to reaach him, but getting me. He always tried to make me feel that I either imagined the calls, or that they meant nothing and I maybe needed some medical intervention.

The next, and biggest whack to my sanity, was the incident mentioned in “Triggered Again, Damital!”

I became unable to relieve myself of the paranoia, fear, bad memories, and feelings of doom. cPTSD.  My steps I had taken to try to help myself where not working, and I couldn’t do this by myself.

From educating myself about different treatments for depression, and PTSD, I had come upon articles, and then websites for Ketamine Infusion Therapy. I thought it interesting, but was sure I would never need something like this.

So I made the decision Sunday Night. I did not know how long it would take to get an appointment for treatment. I called first thing Monday morning, and the doctor returned my call right away. He discussed with me whether the treatment would be effective, what to expect, and asked me to bring my most troubling problems to deal, as I would be concentrating on this point(s) specifically. When I arrived Tuesday Afternoon, Dr M went over what to expect, asked me what I really needed to work on, and explained the safety protocol.  When I asked him how many times he’d had to use it, he said he had not had to use it, but kept it on hand, anyway. “It is reassuring for those who are fearful, and makes them more relaxed and willing, to know that I can stop this for them at anytime, but once they experience it, they have not needed it, and they have felt comfortable enough to schedule more sessions.”

I decided my biggest problem was that I need to be “Calm”. Dr M inserted the IV into my hand, which was painless for me. A soft small IV catheter is used, rather than a needle.

Dr M asked me to try my best to relax while the medication started working. So I did my very slow, very deep breathing to stay relaxed. Oddly, I continued to breathe this way through the whole first session, and found it felt very wonderful. The doctor did wonder about it, but didn’t break my concentration, as I may have planned to do this, and I was in no distress. This was something completely different from anything i had ever experienced. There is a great sense of wonder at what you are seeing about yourself and thinking about your life and situation. You are able to detach from your feelings, but it is not a cold process. It is Euphoric, but the mood lift stays with you, there is no crash. I would best describe the experience as self directed mega hypnosis, where your conscious mind and your subconscious mind, sit down together and come up with a win/win/win/ plan for them and you.

When I left that first session, I was not only calm, I was safe, free, and real.

TBC…….

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Do You Have RBF?

(Resting Bitch Face)

Have you ever tried to suss out what exactly your face is telling people without any noticeable expression?

I thought maybe trying to NOT appear empathic might save me some trouble. Maybe not attract any more narcissist to myself, or even worse, someone in pain that I cannot help, or who doesn’t want help, only sympathy and attention.

So far, the experiment is providing me with more laughs, than usable information.

I uploaded this photo to this website:

http://www.noldus.com/test-if-you-have-resting-bitch-faceme (2)

Obviously a poor choice of photo for the experiment, as I am wearing mirrored glasses. (Still trying for anonymity on the net. The horns probably didn’t help, either, but the software did not include that part of the photo in it’s analysis.)  I did think this photo was of a rather unfriendly expression.

The analysis of the photo by the software gave me quite a start, and a few giggles.

It did agree that my expression was about 3/5 neutral. But it thought I also carried about a 1/5 expression of happiness, about a 1/10 surprised, 1/20 angry, and a smidgen disgusted. ( I was drunk when I snapped this selfie, my second ever selfie.) What is lacking is the expression of contempt that the software can pick up on. That is what constitutes Resting Bitch Face.

The facial characteristics really cracked me up and made me smile. It thinks I am male, even with the absence of beard and mustache. (And may I also point out you can clearly see no adam’s apple! I generally feel androgynous.) The best part was telling this upper 50’s female that I appear to be a male aged 20-30.  Can’t say why, but I find it cheering AND amusing.

So far, I am failing to have Resting Bitch Face. Will have to practice this in a mirror for awhile if  I want to see if it has any benefits. But then that would not be a real “resting face” would it?

If you try the photo analysis, please comment what your results are, do you agree or disagree, and you don’t have to share your photo unless you wish to.

Childhood Heroes

I remember reading the Pippi Longstocking books when I was a child. How I envied Pippi! She wasn’t hampered by adults much in her life. Her mother had died, and her father was always out to sea. She lived with a horse and a monkey, and she always knew what to do, either to get out of trouble, or how to get into it, and have fun at the same time.

And Isabel. I really wanted to be Isabel. Especially because of the last verse. It seemed like everyday, I got into trouble for something! And the idiot teachers would berate me, and insist I go down to the nurses office to get a pill! Yeah, thanks for telling the other kids there is something “wrong” with me!

A friend had a daughter and named her Isabel! I emailed a copy of the poem to him when she was born. He and his wife were to raise her using peaceful parenting. Reasoning, instead of punishment.

I actually met her when she was 5 years old.  She was active without being disruptive. Very curious and kind, self confident enough to speak to adults as if they were peers. I so enjoyed her, and wished that life could be that way for all children.

The Adventures of Isabel by Ogden Nash

Isabel met an enormous bear,
Isabel, Isabel, didn’t care;
The bear was hungry, the bear was ravenous,
The bear’s big mouth was cruel and cavernous.
The bear said, Isabel, glad to meet you,
How do, Isabel, now I’ll eat you!
Isabel, Isabel, didn’t worry.
Isabel didn’t scream or scurry.
She washed her hands and she straightened her hair up,
Then Isabel quietly ate the bear up.
Once in a night as black as pitch
Isabel met a wicked old witch.
the witch’s face was cross and wrinkled,
The witch’s gums with teeth were sprinkled.
Ho, ho, Isabel! the old witch crowed,
I’ll turn you into an ugly toad!
Isabel, Isabel, didn’t worry,
Isabel didn’t scream or scurry,
She showed no rage and she showed no rancor,
But she turned the witch into milk and drank her.
Isabel met a hideous giant,
Isabel continued self reliant.
The giant was hairy, the giant was horrid,
He had one eye in the middle of his forhead.
Good morning, Isabel, the giant said,
I’ll grind your bones to make my bread.
Isabel, Isabel, didn’t worry,
Isabel didn’t scream or scurry.
She nibbled the zwieback that she always fed off,
And when it was gone, she cut the giant’s head off.
Isabel met a troublesome doctor,
He punched and he poked till he really shocked her.
The doctor’s talk was of coughs and chills
And the doctor’s satchel bulged with pills.
The doctor said unto Isabel,
Swallow this, it will make you well.
Isabel, Isabel, didn’t worry,
Isabel didn’t scream or scurry.
She took those pills from the pill concocter,
And Isabel calmly cured the doctor.
I still want to be Isabel. I think these qualities would be as useful dealing with narcissists, as they would be with meddlesome adults.
Do what needs to be done and not give a fuck or fuel.

Triggered Again, Damital!

Just heard a police siren whoop outside my house. I looked out my curtains, and saw a red convertible in my drive, a man i did not know was standing next to it, talking to an officer, whose vehicle was on the street.

I was upset that the police officer pulled him over into my driveway. Now i couldn’t leave if I needed to go somewhere.

Then i started to get paranoid. Maybe W had done something else, that was only now coming to light. Would it implicate me? Would i be arrested again for his actions?

Then the officers were knocking at my door! I looked out the peephole, and that man and the officer were on my porch!I thought to myself I don’t have to answer. I walked away to the back of the house, and ran water in the bathroom. Then I decided best to get it over with and find out if it even pertains to me. I looked back out through the peephole, there was no one on the porch, but now there were 3 police vehicles.

I opened the door, and stood there in my bathrobe. One officer said, “could you come out here, please?” I said “No.” but I didn’t close the door. After conferring with each other, a female officer came on to my porch, and asked me “Do you know *******?” I replied “Who is *******?” “He installed your heater?” I told her “This house has it’s original furnace, so no, nobody installed a furnace here, and I do not know any *******.”

She thanked me, and I closed the door. I was still shaking badly, but i had not noticed it when i was speaking to the officer. Then my ruthless friend called me, started babbling about coupons(OK, she was talking i wasn’t hearing) and I just blurted that the cops were at the door! She was a bit disbelieving, but i explained what i had seen, and she stayed on the phone with me, through the tow truck arriving til the last officer left.

Now I think I will soak in a hot bath rather than take a shower. Maybe listen to a meditation. Something else but thinking about this.

I want to find this funny, someday.

Bad Attitude

Wearing my ‘tude on my chest 

T shirts to show you don’t give even one f#*%

 

I survived a Narc,

             and all I got to show for it is this t shirt.

                 So you sure as hell don’t scare me!

 

      Hoover by Narcissist

It’ll suck the life out of you!

 

 Bad Narc!

          No Fuel!

 

Follow me down the rabbit hole.

whiteblackrabbit

Adventures in Narcland.

 

 

IGNORE IT

 

Jump Into The Fire

Truth and Lie

 

 

You can climb a mountain, you can swim the sea
You can jump into the fire but you’ll never be free
You can shake me up or I can break you down
Oh, oh
We can make each other happy
Oh, we can make each other happy
We can make each other happy
Oh, we can make each other happy
You can climb a mountain, you can swim the sea
You can jump into the fire but you’ll never be free, no no
You can shake me up or I can break you down
Oh, oh
We can make each other happy
Oh, we can make each other happy
Oh, we can make each other happy
We can make each other happy, oh
You can climb a mountain, you can swim the sea
You can jump into the fire but you’ll never be free, no no
You can shake me up, I can break you down
Oh, oh
Oh, oh
Oh, oh
We can make each other happy
We can make each other happy
We can make each other happy
We can make each other happy
Aah
Songwriters: Harry Nilsson